Through Ills, Misery and Afflictions

“Tell me, what makes him him?”

All they ever asked revolves around the gift he owns, the lack of deviances he has — but did they ever ask what it was like to be with him through the depths of despair and gloom?

Along the road of hopelessness and distraught, did they ever wonder what it was like? Did they ever ponder: “Was it always determination and confidence that he owns, until optimism is all that is left?”

I ask myself the same thing too. What makes him him?

Does it ever cross your mind? How the emotions creep within — conveyed unconsciously from him to me; bodies to bodies, mind to mind.

I tried to look for answers I couldn’t find before. It took me some time to realize that having a conversation with him was like gazing at myself through a mirror; as if I was playing chess against myself. A replica I never thought I had — a doppelgänger not-so-alike. Behaviors quite vicious and spontaneous, sometimes. Simply said, I could’ve asked myself. Am I wrong?

Survived through all the ills — both mental and physical, the dreary misery, and afflictions a little more than other. He said it was his lover’s doing — all that turns him into who he is now. He once said, “Some call it ‘through thick and thin’, but some does it like a vow without saying.”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “Couldn’t agree more.”

This was never about answering the question they have always queried. The lover was never alone. The lover will always have doubts, but the lover will always try to be in love. The lover learns, and so does the other lover. The lover yearns for affection once in a while, but so does the other lover. The solace doesn’t go one way, it goes both ways. Completing one for another.

Little did we all know, it’s not always the lover’s doing. I used to believe he was born with it; all the talent and all the man he is today. But the longer I know him, the more I apprehended the fact that he grew up nurtured into the individual he is today. He is who he is now owing to his parents — “Tough love,” he said. “Forever grateful for the fuckin’ tough love.” Indeed, he was sincere.

Maybe those who are alike in ways more than one stays together, maybe not. We never know.

“So I spoke all the words I ever wanted you to know.”

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Tatsbhita Reva

Tatsbhita Reva

Sembilan belas, dan sebentar lagi kembali ke tujuh belas.